WINDERMERE, FLA - Tiger Woods announced today on his personal website that he will take an indefinite break from golf to get his personal life in order. Coincidentally, the game of golf announced minutes later that it would be taking an indefinite break from existence until Tiger Woods’ return.

“There’s really not much purpose for us to carry on with operations without having Tiger out there representing us,” golf spokesperson Colin O’Toole stated on the sports website. “He’s been carrying us on his back for years, narrowly keeping us legit, but without him who are we trying to kid?”

Presented with the stark reality of the game of golf no longer existing, former PGA Tour pros are scrambling to find other lines of work at which to excel.

Phil Mickelson recently joined his father-in-laws tire company as a salesman and found the going a bit rough. His sales numbers improved slightly when he switched from filling out purchase orders right handed to using his left, but he is still a distant second in sales to tire sales phenom Puma Forest. Mickelson is currently known around the water cooler as the best tire salesman never to have landed a major account.

Phil Mickelson(l) Tire sales phenom Puma Forest(r)

Rory Sabbatini is having a hard time letting go of his luxurious lifestyle and has found it necessary to work a few jobs to support his family. He initially attempted to work as a zoo-keeper, but he was fired after he was found wrestling a tiger in its enclosure. He insisted that after watching the tiger exercise the prior Sunday, that he was “more beatable than ever”, so he thought he’d take a shot at him.

Sabbatini also had issues with the kangaroos at the zoo, screaming “SATAN’S SPAWN” at them and chasing them with golf clubs while trying to climb into their pouches

Fortunately Sabbatini’s family will not go hungry, as he’s found that he is a perfect fit as a meter-maid by day and a bouncer at night.

They call him Sabs down at the precinct

Tripp Isenhour is perhaps having the most difficult time finding work. A self-professed animal lover, he has applied at over ten Petcos and five PetSmarts, but can’t seem to land a job at any of them. He even chased one of his dreams by applying to be a hawk wrangler, but sadly his phone calls were never returned.

Isenhour shows his love of wild birds here

Ian Poulter has decided to pursue his true passion in life and has stepped up his involvement in his personal fashion company. For his 2010 spring line, he will introduce pants in 33 shades of pink. It remains to be seen where anyone would wear these pants now that golf no longer exists.

Poulter is also hard at work in the color labs developing his own signature color, “Poulter Pink”

It’s going to be a long winter of adjustment for these former sports heros as they wait to see when and if Tiger decides to come back. Many onlookers see it as fortunate that this break comes at a time when golf is practically invisible to the general public anyhow.

“As stated earlier we’re ceasing operations immediately,” O’toole reiterated. “The production of birdies has been dwindling for months now and we haven’t made an eagle since October, so we see this as the next logical choice with the loss of Tiger. We’ll take some time during this down period to restructure and re-evaluate our plans for the future, and when things look right we will re-introduce ourselves into existence as a leaner more competitive sport.”

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